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BUSH TO DECLARE WAR ON ENGLISH LANGUAGE
Native Tongue Would Replace N. Korea in Axis of Evil
A just-released text of President George W. BushÕs acceptance speech at the Republican National Convention reveals that Mr. Bush intends to announce his boldest initiative to date, declaring war on the English language.
According to the text of the speech, advance copies of which were made available to reporters today, Mr. Bush will give the English language an official slot in the Axis of Evil, replacing North Korea.
While Mr. BushÕs relations with the English language have been hostile in the past, few had expected him to declare war on AmericaÕs native tongue.
But according to Republican insiders, an official declaration of war against the English language could give Mr. Bush a decided edge over his Democratic rival, Sen. John Kerry (D-Mass.), who, unlike the president, speaks English fluently.
ÒIf Kerry starts speaking English during the debates, he could be seen as a traitor,Ó one Bush strategist said. ÒOn the other hand, thereÕs practically no danger of the president accidentally slipping into English.Ó
Political science professor Trevor Bilson of the University of Minnesota said that Mr. BushÕs declaration of war against the English language should not come as a surprise: ÒMr. Bush has been conducting a covert campaign against the English language for decades now.Ó
But Dr. Bilson believes that shifting the nationÕs focus from the war on terror to a war on grammar may be Mr. BushÕs shrewdest political move ever.
ÒThe president recently said that he doubts we can win the war on terror,Ó Dr. Bilson said. ÒBut whenever Mr. Bush does battle with the English language, the English language loses.Ó
NADER BLASTS G.O.P. FOR TAKING WEEK OFF FROM HIS CAMPAIGN
Republicans Have Lost Sight of Mission, He Charges
Independent presidential candidate Ralph Nader today blasted the Republican Party for holding its convention this week, charging that the G.O.P. was recklessly taking a week off from working on his campaign.
"At a time when the Republicans should be working overtime, collecting signatures to make sure that I am on the ballot, they are partying hearty in New York," Mr. Nader said.
"The Republicans had promised me that getting my name on the ballot was Job One," he added. "Clearly, they have lost sight of their true mission."
But Bush strategist Karl Rove disputed Mr. NaderÍs charges, telling reporters that while the Republicans are meeting in New York, detainees at Guantanamo Bay are busily manning a phone bank, urging voters in key swing states to put Mr. NaderÍs name on the ballot.
"A lot of folks donÍt think weÍre capable of doing two things well at the same time, but we keep proving them wrong," Mr. Rove said. "Look at Iraq and Afghanistan."
At his press conference, Mr. Nader was flanked by his family, including the little-known Nader twins, Leaf and Muesli Nader.
Mr. Nader said that his twin daughters would be playing a crucial role in the upcoming campaign, shadowing the Kerry daughters around the country and spoiling their campaign appearances at every opportunity.
"ItÍs great to see them following the family tradition," a proud Mr. Nader said.
Elsewhere, President Bush today dispersed a crowd of 500,000 protesters marching against him in New York City by outsourcing all protest marching jobs to India. --posted 08.31.04
GOP: KERRY WENT TO VIETNAM TO AVOID SERVING IN ALABAMA NATIONAL GUARD
Guard-Dodging Charges Haunt Campaign
A new Republican-financed negative ad is accusing Democratic presidential nominee John Kerry of fleeing to Vietnam to avoid serving in the Alabama National Guard.
The ad, airing in most of the so-called battleground states, attempts to contrast Sen. Kerry’s alleged guard-dodging with the storied Alabama National Guard heroism of the Republican nominee, President George W. Bush.
In the ad, a narrator asks, “When the Alabama National Guard called young Americans to serve, where was John Kerry? Thousands of miles away, in Vietnam.”
The commercial ends with a black-and-white freeze-frame of Mr. Kerry, over which the narrator asks, “John Kerry… reporting for duty?”
The attack ad is hitting the airways just as an organization of Mr. Kerry's former swift boat comrades is holding its first annual anti-Kerry convention in San Diego.
The organization, The Anti-Kerry Boatmates of America, is believed to number over ten thousand members, all of whom openly despise the Democratic nominee.
A spokesman for the Kerry campaign attempted today to discredit the group, saying, “There were a lot of people on John’s boat who hated his guts, but not enough to fill the San Diego convention center.”
Such criticisms aside, the organization is moving ahead with plans for negative ads of their own, including one in which they claim Sen. Kerry’s swift boat was neither swift nor a boat.
Elsewhere, the combined I.Q. of Scott Peterson and Amber Frey topped one hundred for the third consecutive day. --08.20.04
BUSH TO PHASE OUT ENVIRONMENT BY 2004
All Species Under Review, President Says
Just days after Christine Todd Whitman departed her post at the Environmental Protection Agency, President George W. Bush announced ambitious new plans to phase out the environment altogether by 2004.
"In addition to cutting taxes, it is the goal of this administration to cut our wasteful, bloated environment," Mr. Bush said in a speech before the Association of Indiscriminate Applauders in Washington, D.C.
While plans to eliminate the environment entirely are still being formulated, the general strategy of the White House is to phase out the environment gradually "so that hardly anyone will notice it's gone," an aide said today.
Apparently, the plan to phase out the environment may have prompted Ms. Whitman's decision to leave the EPA, since the agency's mission seemed increasingly nebulous in the absence of an environment to protect. "Christie decided to move from the EPA to New Jersey because a year from now New Jersey will still be around," one source said.
The President's plan to eliminate the environment calls for a comprehensive review of all species currently living in the United States and the accelerated extinction of all superfluous organisms by the end of fiscal 2004.
The plan also calls for a gradual reduction of air and water, with water most likely to get the axe.
"If it comes down to choosing between air and water, the President will probably scrap water," one aide said. "After all, the Iraqis haven't had water in weeks and look how well they're doing." 05.26.03
DEMOCRACY WILL COME TO IRAQ AND MAY EVENTUALLY REACH U.S. --BUSH
President Offers Rosiest Postwar Scenario to Date
In a speech tonight before the American Enterprise Institute in Chicago, President George W. Bush predicted that democracy would come to postwar Iraq and might eventually reach the U.S. as well.
A new regime in Iraq would serve as a dramatic and inspiring example of freedom to other nations of the region, Mr. Bush said. And who knows? If democracy works in Iraq, we might give it a try, too.
The President, under criticism for not laying out his vision for a postwar Iraq, told his audience, In a democratic Iraq, a President would be legitimately elected by a majority of the popular vote, not by mysterious electors or politically appointed robed justices.
Such an Iraqi President, Mr. Bush said, would listen to all of the voices in his country, and not merely pander to extremists or corrupt moneyed interests.
In addition, the President said, In a democratic Iraq, those who choose to voice their dissent by protesting will be recognized and listened to, not derided and ignored.
While President Bush stopped short of saying that an Iraqi-style democracy could take root in the U.S. in the near future, he added hopefully, You never know it could happen.
Immediately following his speech, White House press secretary Ari Fleischer tempered Mr. Bushs remarks somewhat, saying that the President was speaking metaphorically about the prospects for democracy in the United States.
The President does in fact believe that democracy will come to the United States after the war is over, Mr. Fleischer said, but not a moment sooner. --02.27.03
BLIX: SADDAM RESPONDED TO INTERNET OFFER TO MAKE MISSILE BIGGER
Inspectors Uncover Hidden Cache of Miracle Herb
Chief United Nations weapons inspector Hans Blix today confirmed reports that Iraqi strongman Saddam Hussein had responded to a so-called spam email promising to make his long-range missile bigger through the use of a miracle herbal compound.
The inspectors discovered the suspicious email when they examined a laptop computer in one of Saddams Presidential Palaces and saw a subject line reading, SADDAM, MAKE IT BIGGER, Mr. Blix said.
According to Mr. Blix, the email promised that by buying a supply of a miracle herb called Missile-Gro, the Iraqi dictator could make his Al Samoud 2 missile bigger, more powerful and longer lasting.
The question is, how much longer lasting, Mr. Blix said. If it lasts longer than the 92-mile limit established at the end of the Gulf War, this is a serious matter indeed.
Inspectors later uncovered a cache of the Missile-Gro herb at an abandoned warehouse outside of Baghdad, along with a series of discarded devices designed to make a missile bigger and stronger.
Saddam apparently bought many of these devices over the Internet, one inspector said. Its not clear that any of them work.
At the United Nations, Secretary of State Colin Powell was prepared to argue that Saddams use of a miracle herb to make his al Samoud 2 missile bigger, stronger and longer lasting was just cause for a new and tougher U.N. resolution on Iraq.
We cannot simply ignore this evidence, Mr. Powell told reporters. Size does matter.
BUSH ACCUSES SADDAM OF HIDING ONE MILLION U.S. JOBS
Warns Iraqi Strongman: Make Stock Market Go Back Up, Or Elsespan>
We have intelligence information indicating that Saddam has hidden these jobs in so-called dual use facilities, out of the reach of U.N. inspectors, Mr. Bush said.
In another statement on the economy, Mr. Bush said that over the last two years Saddam Hussein had systematically made the stock market go down and demanded that the Iraqi strongman "make it go back up to where it used to be -- or face the consequences."
Mr. Bush added that Saddam, through his proxies, had cooked the books at such U.S. corporations as Enron, Tyco, and WorldCom, forcing dozens of innocent American CEOs into humiliating perp walks.
The President said that he had been patiently waiting for the stock market to go up, but its flagging performance in recent weeks had left him with no alternative but to invade Iraq.
Turning to the subject of unemployment, Mr. Bush said, Everything would be better if Saddam Hussein were unemployed.
White House press secretary Ari Fleischer said that the State of the Union Address proved that the President was totally focused on the economy, adding, The Presidents message couldnt be clearer: Its the economy, Saddam.
Mr. Bushs three-point economic plan, as unveiled in the State of the Union Address, aims to stimulate economic growth by removing Saddam Hussein, removing Saddam Hussein and removing Saddam Hussein.
BUSH ACCUSES IRAQ OF HIDING NUCLEAR WEAPONS IN NORTH KOREA
Calls North Koreans Dupes of Saddams Latest Scam
In a bombshell with serious ramifications for U.S. foreign policy, President Bush today accused Iraqi strongman Saddam Hussein of hiding nuclear weapons in North Korea.
While the President offered no hard evidence to back up his startling claim, he insisted that the so-called secret North Korean nuclear weapons program was actually a secret Iraqi nuclear weapons program.
He went on to quote intelligence reports suggesting that Saddam Hussein had sent the weapons to North Korea in big wooden crates stamped with the logo of Harry & Davids, a popular d-by-mail gift service, to avoid interdiction en route.
This may be the evilest thing this doer of evil has ever done, Mr. Bush said.
Mr. Bushs stunning announcement may have been meant to deflect criticism of the administrations policy of being mean to Iraq but not quite so mean to North Korea.
But North Korea complicated that effort somewhat by announcing later in the day that the weapons were in fact their own and did not come from Iraq, adding that Saddam Hussein did not even have North Koreas mailing address or home phone number.
For his part, the President quickly dismissed North Koreas denials, calling the North Koreans dupes of Saddams evil plan to sneak nuclear weapons into their country.
The fact that Saddam has snuck evil weapons into North Korea and has somehow convinced the North Koreans that they made them themselves just goes to show you how dangerous Iraq is and how not-dangerous North Korea is, the President said.
**** BOROWITZ IN NYC WEDNESDAY NIGHT ****
Andy Borowitz hosts American Myths, an evening of stories, this Wednesday night at 7:00 at The Players Club, 16 Gramercy Park South in New York City. For tickets, call 212-206-1515 or go to www.smarttix.com
Saddam Miffed at Oslo Snub
The Norwegian Nobel Committee honored President George W. Bush today by bestowing upon him the first-ever Nobel War Prize.
In Oslo, Nobel Committee chairman Gunnar Berge said that Mr. Bush was chosen for the award because above all, in his words and deeds, President Bush has stood for the resolution of conflicts between nations and peoples through the use of massive and overwhelming force.
At the White House, President Bush said that he was surprised to have received the Nobel War Prize and that he was deeply honored and touched.
He added that it would have been impossible to win the award without the help of Senator Majority Leader Tom Daschle, whom the President thanked for his tireless efforts to do absolutely nothing to hinder me.
But even as the Oslo committee announced the first-ever prize, there was a firestorm of controversy in international circles, with some critics charging that President Bush was insufficiently bellicose to win the Nobel War Prize.
In particular, Iraqi strongman Saddam Hussein expressed the view that he and not the President should have walked off with the coveted Norwegian accolade.
Ive been busting my hump to win the Nobel War Prize for the better part of twenty years, and he just scoops it up at the last minute? a visibly miffed Saddam said to reporters in Baghdad. Excuse me, but the whole thing reeks of politics.
For his part, President Bush brushed off Saddams comments as sour grapes, and said he would use the $1 million dollar award to break ground on the Bush Center for Preemptive Armed Conflict in Houston, Texas. --October 14, 2002
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